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Terminated? Copyright Battle

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Hollywood Invasion

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UK Tour

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2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

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Homeward Bound

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Learned and Shirley

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Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

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Austrians vs. Hollywood

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2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

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Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









09.22.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by M. Calahan

ADLER SMEARED
The age old practice of political mudslinging has hit home for bassist Toten Adler, who announced last month, along with the other members of ArnoCorps, that he would throw his name into the race for California's gubernatorial race for the October recall election. Adler who has swayed close to a dozen voters with his platform for the removal of traffic laws in regards to HumVees has found his relatively somewhat good name in the sights of rival parties.

While still a member of his previous band The Weasel Behinds, Toten was interviewed for the now defunct zine Shoes and Bullocks about the backstage lifestyle of a rock band. Toten was quoted as saying, "....other times we have these crazy orgies. Once, after a gig in Utah, we were at this motel and we all jumped on top of a redhead named Sally. Yeah, there's other guys there, but I got a pumped body, so I don't mind showing it off. After a couple hours, we went and got some ham sandwiches."

When asked now about this interview, Toten shakes his head. "That was so long ago, it was a different time. Everyone was into open....uh, sexualanticitude in those days, man. A lot of people don't remember much of 1998 because it was just one big party. Father Adler already had the summer of love back in the Œ60s. For us, that was our winter of sexual discontent. I'm not ashamed of what I did. I ain't gonna lie about it and say it never happened."

When asked why he thought this woman Sally has never come forward, Toten's eyes lowered in mild sadness. "Well, she ain't around, if you catch my meaning. That same night, Sally developed a problem and she began losing air. We didn't have any patch kits, so we just had to roll her up and throw her out. Which sucked because a Sally cost, like, forty-nine bucks."

ARNOCORPS HEADLINES BENEFIT FOR VICTIMS OF SEPT. 12
As the date of September 11 has become synonymous with tragedy, it has also overshadowed victims of another unsung catastrophe. It has been one year since that dark day when a runaway Nova crashed through a series of power lines which resulted in, not only hundreds of California residents without electricity, but also brought to a halt the production at the plant at 1352 Del Fuego Dr., home of He-Persons Corp.

For 18 years, He-Persons has supplied many of the world's body building afficienados with the false energy and metabolic transforming drugs and supplements that has resulted in more six-packs than Coors Brewing Co. According to well-toned spokeswoman, Hilda Manly, "Our distributors were awaiting our new line of Flicka tablets, condensed patrolytes extracted from virile horses, which were to be sent out on September 13. When the power went out, the machines and conveyor belts all stopped dead. This resulted in the contamination of the entire line and, therefore, nothing was ever released for public consumption."

When asked to headline a benefit for the victims who were unable to achieve the pump they needed after that terrible day, ArnoCorps lead singer Holzfeuer didn't have to consider. "I told them we would do it. The image of all those gyms filled with one-time bodybuilders becoming soft like marshmallow is still haunting my dreams at night. That I don't wish on my best enemy. So, we are hope to raising money to pay for the terribly needed after-hours gym rental for many of our pumped brethren." --As a tear flowed from behind his trademark sunglasses, Holzfeuer added, "All they wanted was a pump, they didn't ask to be made flabby by an unintentional accident. It makes me question the existing of Crom, you know what I'm meaning? If Crom had let the power go out at the fasty food, then a lot of flabbies would have been the better off. But, to let this happen to chiseled pecs and abs.....I'm sorry, I can't talk about this, anymore longer."

To send a donation to the September 12 Fund, please contact ArnoCorps.

ATTENDANCE IS RISKY BUSINESS
As ArnoCorps left the stage of famed San Francisco club Cafe du Nord last month, heard among the cheers of 'Encore' and 'Halstucha's hot' was a man yelling, "Someone call a doctor!"

When Darryl Wolinski, 25, left his house to witness the Austrian-American Action Adventure band, he had no way of knowing he would wind up in the ICU. A beer in one hand, a glazed donut in the other and half a pepperoni pizza digesting in his stomach, Darryl attempted to join in as the band lead the audience in calisthenics. With Vielmehr Klampfe blowing his whislte in time and Gellend Adler counting off, "Twelve! Nine! Three! Twenty-Five!" Darryl felt himself overcome with what many of ArnoCorps' fans know as the Pump when he wrenched forward in excrutiating pain and fell to the floor. Not wanting to miss the rest of the show, Mr. Wolinski waited before he asked for any assistance. When examined at the hospital, it was determined that he had a strangulated hernia brought on by overexertion.

When told of the diagnosis, drummer Gellend Adler curled his face in disgust. "That's disgusting! You only get hernias by sharing needles or from slutty hookers with bad clothes. That sort of lifestyle might be good for my brother Toten, but not for anyone with an ounce of self-respect. I'd rather go back to pushing the Wheel of Pain with one arm tied behind my hand before I'd let myself get hernia."

ARNOCORPS MAILBOX
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:

Dear ArnoCorps,
I don't usually dig this kind of music, know what I'm sayin, but you guys rock. I'm into hip-hop myself, know what I'm sayin, but would definately see you guys play if you ever came to Detroit. I think it would be phat if you did covered Snoop Dogg, know what I'm sayin.
Peace!
Key-Low

The letter was passed along to Schlagbolzen.

Dear Key,
I've only seen Snoop dog one time on television in the cartoon about Thanksgiving. I laughed to myself outloud when he wreslted a chair and makes toast for Charlie Brown and the big head kids. Otherwise from that, I don't know what to cover. I am working on one cover, but it is not Snoop. It is the picture of a map of Austria which I am sewing by myself. It is a gift for my twin brother, Holzfeuer, for the Santa Clausmas.
Yours regardly,
Schlagbolzen

Fanmail is welcomed and strongly encouraged of all fans. If anyone has letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please email us. For general questions, please read the ArnoFAQ.

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

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