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June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered

October 2007
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan

The San Francisco Chronicle has chosen ArnoCorps' upcoming performance at The Stork Club this Saturday, October 20th for it's short list of "Essentials" this weekend:

To quote ArnoCorps bassist, Der Wölf, a feat not as simple as one might think, "Unless you've been keeping your belongings in a cave because you are paying rent to live there, you know the Terminator story. Only a handful of years in the world's entire world history stands out as significant, right there. 1492, that's when that guy found spaghetti noodles. 1776, when mankind learned to write with feathers. But, one of the most famoused year of those years is the year 399BC. In this cases, BC standing for 'Ballsy Cotgreave!' Exactly."

In 399BC, Hans "the Terminator" Cotgreave, the Illyrian legend goes, single-handedly protected his land from Celtic invaders by implementing extreme force and heartless brutality. Word of Hans Cotgreave was spread quickly by surviving invaders who returned to their country, shells of the men they once were, with tales of a man who killed without emotion, whose eyes were vacuous of a soul and, despite the increasing number of wounds he received, time and time again, seemed unstoppable and impervious to pain. The following year, Hans Cotgreave was knighted and is, to this day, revered as a legendary figure, portraits of his exploits hang in history museums, his image engraved in stone and wood and even sewn into doilies. "To put it into perspectives," added Der Wölf, "he is a legend to Europes what Danny Crockett or Jesse Jones or Gumby is to the US."

Anyone who knows ArnoCorps' music knows that legends are what they are all about: Heroic tales of "ballsy" defiance, of metaphorically kicking ass and, for those who are literate, taking names. It has been that desperate and voracious need for heroic tales that has pushed ArnoCorps' music into international ear. Now, the descendents of Hans Cotgreave want to change that.

Hans Cotgreave XXXVII, a breeder of sheep dogs in the town of Feldkirch, and his wife, Danske, are attempting to gain an injunction against the band to, not only stop using the song Terminator, but to be granted ownership of the copyright. In a statement, Mr. Cotgreave claims, "ArnoCorps has made many of dollars from their song about my ancestor and have not shared any of it. My heir, my cut of profits."

Holzfeuer simply laughs off the claim. "It is tales for everyone because these tales they belong to everyone, there." Lighting a stogie, he adds, "These babies can put on their diapers and cry to our lawyer."

"A legend cannot be copyrighted. Its as simple as that," says ArnoCorps attorney Paul Marquiwitz, posing below his framed certification from the semi-accredited Daniel Webster College (an on-line school offering degrees in law as well as jewelry appraisal and typing). "You can't put a copyright on, ya know, the Trojan Horse or Jesus or Mickey Mouse. It's just absurd. But, I'm not surprised someone's trying to steal some thunder. I mean, if a person is successful, there's always going to be somebody else who thinks they deserve a piece of that person's pie. Its a story as old as Timex."

According to information received from an overseas court, the Cotgreaves are asking for 25% of the profits from the ArnoCorps song, Terminator. At this, the members of ArnoCorps laugh the heartiest. As the ArnoCorps accountant, who refused to be named or interviewed in person, currently has the books set up, the band is, technically, not making enough of a profit for even one person live on. Sure, the album and other merchandise has sold worldwide, but the band has had some interesting deductions:

Drummer Gellend Adler has saved the band an unspecified amount by writing off the gallons of body oil he purchases from Costco. Not only is it necessary for showing off in front of the numerous mirrored walls inside the Arno HQ, but it is also a business expense. "The oil is like a wheel," Gellend adds, "you put it on, you work out, you look good in front of the mirrors, then you can rub a skillet over your pectorals and fry up some eggs for dinner, so that you have energy to work out more."

All of Der Wölf's kibble, Dom Perignon and pee pads have been written off as a business expense because Der Wölf is considered security for Arno HQ.

Vielmehr Klempf says of his own savings, "Ha! I am from the future. I save money because I don't exist. Exactly. No birth record certificate, no numeric tax ID numbers. I exist, but I can't pay taxes. I'm like a plant."

Holzfeuer adds that he has been able to deduct, "...fuels and funny posters for the ArnoVan, face paint, stogies, all these kinds of things. Another example there, when we train, we like to get away from the bustle and bustle of the city. Each time we get away, we can deduct the chopper rentals. It's ballsier than driving a Hyundai or a Hitachi, it's faster than digging a tunnel, it's sexier and, if you listen closer with your ears, you can hear the chopper blade saying, 'Scr-ew yo-u, tax-es'."

The band's biggest savings, however, have come from bassist Toten Adler. "I like to help out, I'm a giver. I've got a heart the size of my balls, ya know what I mean?! So, I take myself to the Booby Club. I can lean over to the guy next to me and tell him I'm in ArnoCorps and, right there, business expense. If I buy that guy a drink, that's an entertainment expense. Many of these boobies are working their ways through school to be law people or medicine people or nuns, so I give them money in their underwear. Forget about it! Educational donations!" - Since becoming a member of ArnoCorps, Toten Adler has accrued business expenses totaling more than $237,000.

Guitarist Inzo der Barrakuda decided to replenish the earth by donating his seed to local sperm banks, both at home and while on tour. By adding up the volume of these "drop offs", Barrakuda then claimed that amount as a loss. On his 2006 taxes, he sought deductions due to a personal loss of 136 fluid ounces. This claim was later rejected by the IRS.

Technically, after all of the write-offs, ArnoCorps only makes a very, very small amount of money. What does this mean? If a court decides in their favor, the Cotgreave heirs will be awarded upwards of $67 USD. With this knowledge at hand, they still pursue ArnoCorps with their claim of entitlement.

"I'm approaching it like a game of chess," says Mr. Marquiwitz. "Well, maybe checkers, actually. There are so many rules in chess that I don't get... But, anyway, my point is that I am going to wait for them to make their move."

Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

Photos by Neil Jarvie Follow ArnoCorps on Facebook Follow ArnoCorps on Twitter