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June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered

October 2005
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
Compiled by Mike Calahan

"It was a high times to embracing my grandson and the prideness he brings to so many few," said Holzfeuer's 82-year old grandmother, Kasse Blumenbeet, in her best English. "This is ways for peoples to learning more about heroes and for mine to make much Euros."

The idea for the museum came about when Holzfeuer's younger sister was asked to donate something ArnoCorps-related to be auctioned at a charity fundraiser to rebuild a local gymnasium, Nein Fetthaltigs Turnhalle, which had caught fire and crumbled to the ground, as one witness was quoted as saying, " the bosom of an elderly man." The ArnoCorps-related item, an autographed 7" record produced during ArnoCorps' first incarnation, brought in a staggering 2,350 Euros, and was purchased by a banker whose daughters were enormous fans (each weighing between 100-110kg.)

From that moment on, grandmother Blumenbeet saw Euros flying around her head. This replaced the constant rotation of UFO's she had previously claimed to have seen there, so the family was elated. Removing the money she had stowed away in her mattress, Mrs. Blumenbeet secured the rental of a vacant shop near the center of downtown Graz. She has since begun collecting everything related to her grandson and the band he helped to form. There are photos chronicling the rise and fall and rise and fall and rise of the band over the years. Also included among the memorabilia are sweat-stained outfits, used face paint applicators and a piece of the crashed converted milk truck that took the lives of Holzfeuer's original bandmates.

The museum will not open for a few months, but Mrs. Blumenbeet is already thinking ahead. "I am to plan to sell stogies and shirts and CD's with autographed signatures that have been signed by the band with pens." Anticulture Records, holding the exclusive license to distribute ArnoCorps merchandise in Europe, have yet to announce their endorsement of the museum.

When asked if she planned to donate some of the profits to the families of those band members who'd passed away, Blumenbeet laughed. "Let them get their own museums. I am to buying myself a house in the Riviera with young men to be feeding me. Alright!"

It began back in August when guitarist Vielmehr Klampfe had seen a local event flyer and brought it back to ArnoHQ. "I have two words for you: Competition and Ladies."

"I'm there," replied bassist Toten Adler. "The biggest competition tonight is gonna be seeing how many ladies I can get into the bathroom at one time. High five!"

That evening found three members of ArnoCorps sitting at a table at the Red, Wine and Blue Lounge with two mugs of beer and schnapps for Der Wölf (served in a bowl, which he lapped from). As the lights dimmed, the crowd of roughly 30 applauded the start of the evening. The emcee, that night, was Tina DeLaguerre, whose sole claim to fame was being cast as 'Slutty Girl #4' in the 80's B-movie 'Bloody Killing Spree Massacre'. She asked the crowd, "Okay, who's gonna be the first of you to come up here and..."

Before she could finish her sentence, Toten had already leapt over two tables and a man in a wheelchair. "I'll do it. Come on! Let's go!"

While maintaining a valiant effort to keep Toten's arms from around her waist, Miss DeLaguerre asked, "So, tell us what song you're going to sing."

"Why would I sing?" --After hearing that what he had volunteered for was a karaoke competition, Toten slapped his forehead. "Come on, don't bullshit me. I thought I was gonna mud wrestle some chick named Carrie Okey over there!"

Never having backed away from a challenge, the ArnoCorps bassist went ahead and punched a random series of numbers into the machine. Within seconds, Toten was performing a fresh interpretation of 'Dominique' by the Singing Nun.

When the votes were tallied that night, Toten was named winner with 89% of the vote and asked to return the following week where a rendition of Elvis' 'Girl Happy' brought a second win.

To date, Toten Adler has achieved winning status five times at various locations. Come November, Toten will be competing in the East Bay Okey Dokey Karaoke Semifinals. When asked how he felt going up against local champion Ed "Camelot" Clament, whose Broadway tunes have brought him unprecedented mediocrity, Toten answered, "No worries. I'll be busting out the theme to Rawhide. I also made a request that if he gets billed as 'Camelot', I wanna be billed as 'Toten "Came-alot" Adler.' Alright! Get it?"

Not getting the desired response, Toten turned his nose up and stomped away, pausing only once tell this reporter, "You suck!"

"It was a case of mistaken identity," said local Public Access producer, Dionne Wertzel, of the phonecall that began an unexpected trip for guitarist Inzo der Barrakuda.

Der Wölf growled as the phone rang at the Arno HQ. Inzo put down the bust of drummer Gellend Adler that he'd been working on for Gellend’s birthday and answered the phone. The voice on the other end asked for Inzo. "Mmmm."

"Is this Inzo?"


"Hi, I'm Dionne Wertzel with Public Access 34 and the entertainer we had scheduled for our one o'clock airing of Happy The Fun Show has cancelled. We were wondering if you could appear in his place tomorrow."


"Great. Be here by 12:45. Its studio 15A. And, on behalf of the children, thankyou so much. We are very excited to have someone of your calibre performing for us." {click}

Der Wölf asked who had called. Shrugging, Inzo answered in his ever-monotone way, "Mmmm."

Arriving at 12:55 to the studio, Inzo was rushed through an elementary make-up session before finding himself in the wings of Happy The Fun Show's set. Shortly, Inzo's introduction began. "Okay, boys and girls," said Happy, the knife-juggling clown, accentuating certain words with a honk of his nose. "We have a very special..." *honk* "guest who is going to entertain you with wonderful..." *honk* "stupendable," *honk* "extrasuperificallyabendable magic tricks! Please, give a big Happy Kids round of applause to Inzo the Magician!" *honk, honk, honk*

Standing beneath the lights of the studio, Inzo peered past the cameras to see a room of children. "You’re small," he told them.

Happy the clown walked Inzo over to the table of magic tricks already laid out. Inzo stared at the table of magic props. "Mmmm. Buncha crap."

Happy the clown leaned over and whispered to Inzo, "Don't fuck up my show, pal. I'll stick this horn somewhere you don't want. You got me?"



With his second shrug of the day, Inzo picked up the top hat and put it on his head. "Hat," he told the kids, but they weren't clapping. 'Tough crowd,' Inzo thought.

Taking up the wand, Inzo opened it to reveal a bouquet of flowers, which frightened him initially, but which then got his curiosity. As the kids applauded this trick, Inzo threw the bouquet down to the ground. "Plastic flowers," but the kids kept on applauding. "Stop!"

It was at that moment, that Inzo realized nothing in that room was real. He walked over to the plastic redwood that helped to create Happy Land and pushed it. It fell over, catching the backdrop of the Happy Hills and bringing them down, as well. "Canvas," Inzo said to the children.

As the clown rushed over to stop his destructive guest, Inzo ripped off Happy's wig, nose and floppy ears. Tiny shrieks came from the audience as Inzo pointed to Happy and said, "Not Happy. Some guy."

Producer Dianne Wertzel took the story from here. "When we called information, we had asked for Mr. Inzo the Merry Magician. Instead, the operator gave us the wrong number and we got Inzo the Manic Musician. After hundreds of complaints from parents and child therapists, we have decided to cancel Happy The Fun Show forever. I hope this Inzo is happy, he ruined something beautiful and sweet."



Full-Blown ArnoCorps Action Adventure Odyssey
Saturday November 12, 2005
The Aptos Club
7941 Soquel Dr
Aptos, Santa Cruz County, CA

Count Dante & The Black Dragon Fighting Society,
Meat Hammer
Anticulture Records
Winter Showcase
ArnoCorps via satellite!
Thursday November 17, 2005
The Marquee Club
1 Leicester Square
London, England
ArnoCorps headlines the 1st Annual Rawkmom Thanksgiving Show
Sunday November 20, 2005
The Stork Club
2330 Telegraph Ave.
Oakland, CA

with: The Sick, Hit By A Semi, Code 4-15, Dynamite 8, Wire Graffiti, Switchblade Riot, and The Hot Toddies
ArnoCorps headlines in Sacramento!
Saturday December 3, 2005
719 K Street
Sacramento, CA

Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

Photos by Neil Jarvie Follow ArnoCorps on Facebook Follow ArnoCorps on Twitter