Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan
Big changes struck ArnoCorps as the new year rang itself in with the booming
midnight chimes of Vienna's bell tower. As many of you know, ArnoCorps has
decided to return to Austria to record what they have been calling "the
definitive voice of Arno". However, due to concern over retaliation from
government officials who, although have made attempts to reconcile past
offenses against the band, are not trusted by lead singer Holzfeuer due to a
rather bleak track record, the band has decided it safest to enter the
Holzfeuer, whose onetime revoked citizenship had been reinstated last year
by the Austrian government, left two weeks ago on an international flight
from San Francisco. Joining him were twin brother Schlagbolzen, who has
always remained an Austrian citizen, and ex ex-bandmate, Inzo (see story
below). "The plane flight was fantastic," commented Holzfeuer via cell
phone. "We ate food and all these kinds of things the whole way there there.
A vested lady showed us how these silly masks drop from the ceiling and that
our chairs could be used to float on. That was bullshit because I searched
around the whole of the plane and never found a pool. Then Schlagbolzen
found these monograms that showed how to do if the plane crashed in the
water. I've been on a plane crashed and this monogram didn't show anything
useful, let me tell you. I asked the vested lady what she thought to do if
we crashed and the wolves came. She looked at me with a blank stare. I took
her ignorance for lack of discipline and told her to watch how I crush the
skulls of dogs when they jump. 'There are no wolves over the ocean, sir' she
telled me. I looked her right in the eyeball and said, 'Exactly.'"
In Austria, Holzfeuer was reunited with his family. It was an even more
emotional homecoming for Schlagbolzen who, lost in the Bohemian Forest as a
child, never knew his real parents. The family was wanting to believe that
their long lost son had returned, but it was all too fantastic to believe.
At the suggestion of Holzfeuer, Schlagbolzen removed his boots to reveal his
twelve toes. Then, parents and son were stuck together in a tearful embrace.
For the next twelve hours, the entire family was caught up in heartfelt
conversations. Then, as Holzfeuer put it, "something in Schlagbolzen
"I watched mein brudder begins to play with toys and I thought none much of
it. After a week, I was very many concerned. For years after he disappeared,
our mutter kept the hope burning and bought her lost son gifts for all the
holidays and nights. Schlagbolzen was being dressed in the clothes of a
infant baby, now. When I saw him wearing diapers, I asked him, 'What the
hell's the matter with you?!' His only reply was 'Goo goo' and then he made
spit bubbles at me."
After an examination, Vienna psychologist J.K. Unterhosen said of
Schlagbolzen, "He has regressed emotionally and mentally in an effort to
live the childhood he never had. It's all very normal after such a traumatic
separation from the family unit. In an effort to experience all of those
lost years, he will go through them as quickly as possible. In six months
time, Schlagbolzen will have reached his natural age. For now, he is at the
level of a two-year old."
Whether or not he will retain his musical ability and passion for Arno, it
is unclear. Holding back both anger and fear, Holzfeuer added only, "Crom
has done this for a reason and all I can do is become a waiter and see what
INZO, I PRESUME
After his mysterious disappearance back in March of 2003, ex-lead guitarist
and enigmatic personality Inzo returned to Arno HQ in Berkeley, California.
When asked about why he'd left, where he'd been, Inzo answered only, "Mmmm.
Bassist Toten Adler recalls that day, "A couple months ago, we were all
sitting around watching Gellend act out a scene from Ben-Hur using little
bunny shadows on the wall when Der Wölf suddenly got up and began sniffing
around the front door, he musta smelled danger 'cause he was growling like
it was the mailman or something. I got all pissed off 'cause I wanted to see
how the chariot race ended, so I threw a rolled-up newspaper at him, 'Sit
down, muffin ass!' I said, but he wouldn't leave the door. So I went ahead
and opened the front door and said, 'Well, god-dam!' 'cause there stood
Inzo. I grabbed him by the collar and dragged his ass into the kitchen to
wash the dishes he left behind when he disappeared. 'I'm not cleaning up
your shit, you freak,' I told him. Forget about it!"
When asked if he was glad to see his old bandmate safe and healthy, Gellend
Adler smiled, "Fantastic! I'd've been just as happy if he was dead or
something! And you know what, now everything comes full circle, just like I
say, circular like the goddamn Wheel of Pain."
Although he said nothing, the members of ArnoCorps knew something was
different about Inzo. For one, he was speaking his 'Mmmm's with ascending
pitch, not the usual monotone 'Mmmm's of before. Secondly, in his guitar
case he carried the skeletal remains of a barracuda bleached white by the
sun. Rifling through Inzo's belongings in search of dirty pictures, Toten
Adler found photographs of Inzo, bearded and wearing only the tattered
remains of camouflage boxer shorts, standing on what appeared to be a
crater-infested terrain, positioned in Tantric stances, carving
hieroglyphic-like characters into stones and, finally, wrestling a giant
barracuda to the death in a man-made tank. These are the only clues into
Inzo's past two years, all ArnoCorps or anyone else can do is speculate.
One thing is for sure. Emerging from whatever experiences he has had, Inzo
now only answers to the name of Inzo der Barrakuda, or simply "Barrakuda".
As ArnoCorps begins to take back their homeland in the name of Arno, the AAP
will report the events as they happen. Each member of the band has promised
to keep a journal which we hope will allow their fans a unique perspective.
So far, bassist Toten Adler's fourteen entries have all been the same:
"Slapped some chick on the ass, today."