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2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

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506 Ring Circus

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Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

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Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

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12.23.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by M. Calahan

2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!!!
To commemorate this holiday season of good tidings, the band will be opening the doors of the band's HQ to the homeless and the local orphans. The day will be full of high fiber foods, physically intensive activities and fireside retellings of Austrian holiday tales, like the ancient story of Jingle All The Way. Taking the day as seriously as they would any performance or squat thrust, each member will oversee certain elements of the celebration to ensure its successful execution.

Asked if they were concerned about disclosing the location of their secret HQ, guitarist HALSTUCHA replied, "They're orphans. Who are they gonna tell? To be on the safe side, though, I'm gonna take each one of those doe-eyed vagabonds aside and show them what will happen if they let anyone know our location. I'm gonna rip the heads off gingerbread men with my teeth and say, 'See that?! This cookie told his cookie friends where we lived. They must all now suffer the same fate.' What I'm really looking forward to is teaching the orphans how to smoke stogies. I can't imagine what it would be like to be 9-years old and never having wrapped your lips around a freshly cut Cohiba Robusto."

In another room of the HQ, VIELMEHR KLAMPFE, lead guitarist and seer of the future, engages himself in adrenaline-pumping activities (i.e. running in place, jumping jacks, making violent threats to unseen persons). "I'm going to tell the Christmas stories aloud so peoples can hear them told by me. I will start off with the story of the reindeer with the constant nose bleeding, then the one about kids that make a man out of snow. In the end, the man of snow dies because the kids forgets to make a complete spinal column and he is crushed under his own weight. The moral of that one is that kids shouldn't try to play Crom with other peoples lives! Lastly, I will tell the story of Christmas future. Unlike the other two, this is NOT a cute story, but its what will come to pass if the machines are not stopped! I told the story of Christmas future to Schlagbolzen, earlier today, and he wept like a baby choking on a rattle!"

Among the day's planned events are games designed to challenge the guests. Guitarist SCHLAGBOLZEN explained, "I am very passionately about this assignment. I want the stinkies and mamaless to leave with a more better lookout of their physique and, specially, their muscles. American jungen don't like to exercising, so I came up with how to trick them! When the bus of mamaless come to here, I will tell them we finded their mamas and that they's hiding somewhereplace in the house. This will make the jungen run all around the room to room and they won't even knowing they are exercising. I quarantine that they will thankyou us, later. For the stinkies, I will to chase them with a baseball stick, until they sweat away a few pounds of weight."

Apron around his waist and mullet nestled securely beneath a hairnet, drummer GELLEND ADLER stands in the kitchen with all the authority of a captain on the deck of a ship. "This is my first chance to show everyone I am a great chefing man. I am going to start with whore deuves like my brother Toten's favorite dish. A secret combination of special cheeses and tomato-based sauce are added to these individual dried breads. Toten calls them Triscuit pizzas. Triscuit, he says, is French for 'making love to a woman.' Its fantastic!" --When asked if the main course would consist of the traditional Austrian carp, Gellend, tilting his head quizzically, much like a dog, answered, "Carp? No, you are misunderstanding the main course. Let me to show you." --Opening the door to the oven, Gellend removed and unfolded a map of the continental US. Highlighted in yellow ink, Gellend had traced a route from the Arno HQ to the state of Maine.

When asked of his holiday responsibilities, bassist TOTEN ADLER shrugged indifferently. "I was supposed to lead those brats in singing songs and all these kinds of shit, but it got me thinking... Those orphans had to come from somewhere, right, which means their moms were probably pretty loose. If I could track down some of those moms... forget about it! All I'd have to do is get them to talk about it, get 'em all crying, then make my moves. And as sure as my ass is perfectly sculpted, I'll be feeling the pump! Christmas is about sharing and it got me in the mood to share some of ME with a few ladies. Come on!"

When asked if he felt the spirit of Christmas was lost on today's consumer-driven America, lead vocalist HOLZFEUER furrowed his brow for several minutes before answering, "Let me tell you something I've been thinking in my head, this holiday got me to thinking of hiring a marketing persons. This Jesus guy started by walking around in dirty sandals like a hippie, making homemade wine and healing the leopards and now, twenty years later, he's worth millions of dollars in memorabilias. That's fantastic! If only there could be little statues of ArnoCorps on the Californias dashboards or around the necks of the flabby ladies playing bingo." --When asked if he had any holiday greetings for the legions of ArnoCorps fans, Holzfeuer added, "Exactly. That's right."

Look for ArnoCorps in the New Year!

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

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