Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by M. Calahan
COURTROOM BECOMES LEGAL CIRCUS
"The trial was expected to last weeks, but is now reaching the brink of months," commented bailiff Connelly of SF courtroom 109.
The trial of ArnoCorps bassist Toten Adler, in which he is being sued by ex-bandmates The Weasel Behinds, who want him ordered to remove the tattoo that bears their logo, has become nothing less than a lampoon of the legal system. Prosecuting attorney Daniel Mayhew has taken up weeks of the court's time by bringing forward witnesses and experts to reiterate his clients' case against Adler. First to be brought in was tattoo artist Javier Miguello, who actually tattooed the design upon the defendant's shoulder. When asked if he remembered the incident, Mr. Miguello stated, "Oh yeah, I remember that night because I was listening to the Weasel Behinds CD when he came in eating a falafel." When asked if the design's origin ever came up in conversation, Miguello answered, "Yes, he showed me the design and I asked him what it was and he answered, 'Its a weasel with a big ass'. I asked the significance and he added that it was the band's logo. He even signed my CD."
At that moment, Adler, who insisted on representing himself, jumped up. "I object! That guy's a fucking liar! He's perjuring himself! I was eating a gyro, not a falafel. His testimony should be stricken from the record! Falafel, ha! You're a falafel! This whole damn courtroom's a falafel!"
Also brought in was plastic surgeon Dr. Emily Dickerson who described in detail the process of tattoo removal and its increasing cost. When asked if he wished to cross examine Dr. Dickerson, Adler said, "No, your honor, but I'd like to get her on an examination table!" after which Adler high-fived many of those seated nearby.
Asked about the defendant's behavior, Mr. Mayhew replied, "I think its deplorable. But, it just goes to prove why Mr. Adler was removed from the band to begin with. He's proven to everyone that he can't be reasoned with, which is exactly why we are forced to pursue a court order to remove that tattoo. The band wants nothing more than to distance themselves once and for all from their brief, but turbulent, association with Adler.
When this reporter asked Toten Adler about his defense, he only said, "I've got some surprises up my sleeves. They're not really up my sleeves, that's just some shit I heard on tv, but I will beat this bunk rap no matter how many books I gotta read."
A recess of one week has been given to allow Adler the time to organize his defense strategy.
HOLZFEUER CELEBRATES OKTOBERFEST
Take beer, add schnitzel, sauerkraut and music and you've got Oktoberfest. Now, add an an unending stream of cell phones and goatees and you've got Oktoberfest in Silicon Valley. Thousands poured into the streets of Oldtown Campbell to celebrate a holiday few of them knew anything about, but good times were had and spirits merry. Among those in attendance was ArnoCorps' lead singer Holzfeuer, who described the overall affair as, "Wunderbar!"
As hundreds looked on, a group of men dressed as though they'd just stepped off a storybook photo of the Alps, took the stage and began to dance to the accordions and horns that accompanied. "It reminded my memory of a lot of festspiele back home and I got caught up in the celebration. When I was a jungen, I was part of just such a truppe and watching, just it all come back to me like gates from a flood."
Jumping on stage, Holzfeuer danced in sync with the others. For that first song, he fell into place as easily as any experienced dancer would. Asked to remain on stage by the tuba player, Holzfeuer readied himself for the next number. Then something happened. Holzfeuer turned and introduced himself to the man next to him. "Nice to meet you," the bespecled man answered, "I'm Daniel LaBoeuf." --One hand gripping the man's belt, the other about his shoulders, Holzfeuer lifted Daniel LaBoeuf above his head and tossed him off the stage. The other dancers, prompted by their obvious loyalty and kinship, descended upon Holzfeuer in a whirlwind of fists and lederhosen. Onlookers watched as the orgy of violence ran its course. Police officials, forced to set down their free bratwurst and beer served in soda cans, stormed the stage to break up the fracas. When the participants were cleared, Holzfeuer was found smashing together the heads of two opponents who then fell to the stage unconscious. Among the injuries were eleven broken fingers, five broken noses, four black eyes, one seriously compromising wedgy, two missing teeth and dozens of broken suspenders. Remarkably, Holzfeuer emerged from the melee unscathed, except for a series of large scuffs on his boots and a crack in the right lens of his sunglasses.
No arrests were made, but hours of questioning followed. Holzfeuer explained the incident, "I come to the Oktoberfest and I dance with these men to find only out that this German guy was French." And as anyone of Austrian decent will tell you, anytime a Frenchman infiltrates such a cultural celebration, it ends badly. However antiquated this ideal may be, it stems from the rarely recounted story of the Oktoberfest of 1903. Celebrating the holiday at the palatial home of Herr Oskar Vennebusch were 1200 merrymakers. Before the event could go down in the annals as a perfect gala, one of the barmaids removed her wig, exposing her true identity as Monsieur Francois Truillant, French baron and rival of Herr Vennebusch for the love of theatrical matriarch Marie Clavert. With one shot from a rival's pistol, Oskar Vennebusch was shot dead. From then on, a Frenchman's presence is seen as foreboding.
This explained, the charges filed by Daniel LaBoeuf were dropped and Holzfeuer was released on his own cognizance.
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of feedback from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:
I saw you guys rock ass on stage last week and wanted to know how I can become all buffed out like you. You guys look awesome. I heard chicks openly cheking you guys out as you played. I want them to do that for me, even though I'm not in a band. What do you recommend?
Long Beach, CA
I passed this e-mail along to Gellend Adler who advised the following:
1. Cut out over-consumption of carbs. No pasta, fat boy!
2. Take those Dave Matthews CD's out of your stereo and put in something that rocks! Then, dance the pounds away!
3. Respect your body like a temple. Don't put the drugs in it. Don't smoke acid or snort pot. If you must use a metabolic enhancer, buy only horse steroids from clinics in Mexico. Such as Dr. Pacuello's Veterinary Clinic and Shoe Repair 12-A El Pachuco Rd. (Look for the red door behind the tequila wholesaler)
4. Harness the natural energy of Arno that exists in every living being. Ask Crom to forgive your years of American sloth and daytime television watching.
5. Once all this is in place.....PUMP UP!!!! (Pushing a large circular device such as the Wheel of Pain for many hours a day is highly recommended for the ideal barbarian physique, such as mine.)
Further questions either about becoming action adventure studs like ArnoCorps or just fan reviews or comments, please email us.