spacer


Twitter Update Feed
Read here on arnocorps.com

June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









08.08.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by M. Calahan

506 RING CIRCUS
In a bid to gain control in what has become nothing short of a farcical display of political agendas and narcissistic self-ploitation, the front line members of the Austrian action-adventure hardcore band ArnoCorps have announced that each of them will be entering their names onto the ballot for governor of California in the upcoming recall election. The reason for all six members to run, explained bassist Toten Adler, "Its like each of us buying a raffle ticket and all these kinds of things. The odds are increased. Like, if we all wanted to win this one prize, like a stereo, we got better odds than some mamby-pampy with just one ticket. And, quite frankly, the stereo we got sucks."

Each member will be running on the ArnoPlatform and all with the same exact proposals as their bandmates. The ArnoPlatform is as follows:

1. LEGALIZATION
Shaking his head, drummer Gellend Adler explains, "So many things are denied to the Californias. Things that are harmless, not bad like the elected people want you to believe. Natural things that Crom put on this land to enjoy. There are murderers walking around, but we put peoples in prison for having substances in their house. That's crazy! They're treated like criminals when all they want is a maximum pump. We propose the statewide legalization of anabolic steroid muscle enhancers. Its unfair that the Californias need to go to Tijuana or Mexico to get such things. If any of us are elected, such health stimulants will be available over the counter, like diapers and bullets."

2. ENFORCED DISCIPLINE
"Discipline!" yells guitarist Schlagbolzen. "That's what the little California jungen need. All I see is these blubber blobs of fat playing in the playing grounds. In Austria, physical fitness wasn't seen as work. It was a pleasure, your body was Crom's housing unit. We all has been at the forefront of community servicing. For almost two years, my twin brother Holzfeuer has supported and maintained the afterschools program NMJFF (No More Junkfood For Fatties) which promotes a healthy lifestyle. We will begin a weights training mandatory in all schools starting at grade first. Alongside mathematics, they will learn the importance of bodybuilding. If I am electing, I promise there will be no more 8-year old boys with bosoms. This disgrace will end. Now!"
The controversial proposal would borrow from existing education dollars.

3. BAN REVERSAL
"The one thing that pisses me off about living in California," explains guitarist Halstucha, a California native of Austrian descent, "aside from the assholes that live next door, you know who you are, is this absurd ban on smoking in public. I hate the smell of cigarettes as much as the next person, but what's the point of even going out to a fancy restaurant or going to a movie theater, if you can't enjoy a good stogie? I mean, really. There's no nicotine, there aren't any carcinogens. Its just good, harmless tobacco and its banned. What is this, California or some bad place...like that one place where the wall came down. If I am elected, I will not only legalize the smoking of stogies in public venues, but will allow Cubans to enter the state. Not the people, mind you, but the cigars."

4. TRAFFIC PROPOSALS
Among these, there is one which Toten Adler feels strongly. "No matter where you go, there's traffic and that's a bunch of crap. You got carpool lanes for people that are communitally and environmentally minded, right? So check this out, what I'm propositionating is a set of rules strictly for owners of HumVees. I don't got it all worked out on paper, yet, but...okay, let's pretend that this salt shaker is a HumVee. All these pickle slices are other cars and I'll spray this mustard to look like a center divide. It doesn't take a low-forehead to figure out that if you got a HumVee, you probably got somewhere to be and you don't wanna sit in traffic. HumVees will be allowed to cross the center divide at their own will in order to get where they need to go. Driving on the shoulder, bumping smaller cars out of the way, these will all be cool. Not only this, but off-roading on private property and running over some dumbass cow will no longer be a punishable crime. Whatever it takes to open the drive options and pathelogiways for these drivers. Right through the line of mustard. By the way, I ain't cleaning this crap off the table."

5. NEW STATE FLAG
Vielmehr Klampfe, the band's lead guitarist and overseer of fate, insists rather than proposes an immediate change in the symbolic representation of California. Looking, as he often does, with deeply intense (although quite striking) eyes, Vielmehr said, "I've seen the future, I've been there and its not pretty. The future of the California is a joke. All the governors are named after bland colors: Gray Davis Jr., Off-White Jones, Umber Cooper. In an attempt to offset the statewide debt, it will becomes legal for other states to pay California to dump their medical waste along our borders. It stinks! Not only that, but the medical waste gradually changes the genomic structure of the grizzly, causing every bear in the state to not only go bald on the top of their heads, but belch an odor similar to salami that's been left out in the sun too long. If you go bear hunting, you can never be sure if you're shooting at a grizzly or a made member of the Mafia. If I'm to elected, I wil
l hold a vote for the new flag. Like the governor, the peoples of California will decide the flag: a bad-ass, knife-wielding eagle or a monkey on a pony."

6. PUBLIC TRANSIT OVERHAULS
"The bus!" scoffs vocalist Holzfeuer boisterously. "Who in the hell takes the bus? Perverts and whores, that's right. The environment could be improved if more peoples took public transportations, but nobody with dignity and self-respect will ride a bus. Its not cool! What I'm proposing are fleets of choppers to be made available to the public. Everyone will want to sell their autocars and get to a chopper. A chopper can land a passenger anywhere. You get off a bus, you step in a puddle and get your feets wet. A chopper will land you right on top of your building. Yeah, that's great. Aside that, its almost impossible to climb down a rope that's is hanging from a bus. Think about it!"

He was asked where the initial moneys needed to begin such a program will come from. "California ladies will spend millions when we auction off a date with Richard Simmons!" Holzfeuer answered as he roared with laughter. "But seriously, we will have a bake sale. My strudel is fantastic."

Finally, when asked if he were ready for the cutthroat world of political mudslinging and trash talking that will no doubt be flung his direction, Holzfeuer tightened his jaw. "I'm not afraid. You got mud talking to say about me, say it to my face! Come on, say it! Say it! Say it, now!"

More to come as the recall election of Oct. 7 draws closer.

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

Photos by Neil Jarvie Follow ArnoCorps on Facebook Follow ArnoCorps on Twitter