spacer


Twitter Update Feed
Read here on arnocorps.com

June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









06.12.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by M. Calahan

CHARGES FILED AGAINST TOTEN ADLER... AGAIN
On June 2, 2003, charges were filed by the Defamation of Women's League against ArnoCorps bassist Toten Adler through the Santa Cruz County Municipal Court System. Prosecuting attorney, Janice Scerri, said, "I feel that we have a strong case and that Mr. Adler will be held accountable for his doings."

The incident in question stems from a May 31 performance by the band during which Adler was, to say the least, not himself. On his third day straight of nursing a bad cold, Toten was described as listless and performing below par. At rehearsal, he was said to have sat out every third song and refused to take part in calisthenics. As the gig neared, brother and drummer Gellend took matters into his own hands, slipping his older brother something in his protein shake.

"I knew it was powerful," admitted Gellend, "but we had a show to do. The show comes first. When I was pushing the wheel of pain, I was forced to drink this mixture day in and day out. I thought he could handle it. After all, he's an Adler, for chrissake."

The drink in question, consisted of equal parts NyQuil, DayQuil, Benzedrine, Extra Strength Tylenol, something brown that was found under the fridge and a pinch of nutmeg for flavor.

Toten arrived at the club, going in and out of lucidity, but assuring everyone he was feeling fine. Then, at 10:01pm, as the band took the stage, Toten realized he'd forgotten to plug in his amp. Heavily medicated, he jammed the cord into the nearest location, taking Miranda Bradshaw, 23, by surprise as she bent over to pick up a quarter. Ms. Bradshaw, a staunch women's rights activist, brought the incident to the attention of attorney Janice Scerri.

Adler is being sued for emotional damage caused by the "plugging in" and replacement of the quarter that was lost in the resulting commotion. When asked about the charges, Toten Adler replied, "This is bullshit, man," and adding, "She's not even that cute. But, whatever, least my cold's gone."

Preliminary hearings are expected to begin in late-August.

NUDE PICS A HOAX
At a few shows, there can be heard the occasional comment, "Show us your tits!" directed at the stage as ArnoCorps brings their action-adventure rock to the people. Recently, there has begun circulating on the internet nude photos of an ArnoCorps guitarist. These photos, believed to have originated near Atlanta, Georgia, are being sold to such websites at CelebritySkinFlix.com and HotNakedRockers.com as authentic. Digital photo expert, Walter K. Soo, examined the photos and concluded, "They are definitely fake. But, they are near perfect fakes. Someone really knew what they were doing. If I didn't know any better, I'd say, 'Hey, this is a hot photo of a naked guitarist strumming a six-string poolside, their body oiled up, glistening, calling out to be touched... Oh, man. Excuse me for a moment, I have to....I have something to take care of."

ArnoCorps wanted it made public that these photos are, in fact, doctored pics and are in no way authentic images of the guitarist. As Holzfeuer stated, "Vielmehr Klampfe is very shy. He doesn't like having his picture photographed. That's how we know it is faked."

"If fans really want really sexy photo pics," Holzfeuer added, "of a ArnoCorps guitarist, check out Halstucha's photo on CigarSmokingChicks.com. There's a photo pic of her lighting the stogie and one sleeves rolls up. You can see the muscle! That is so many hot, man! Yes!"

TO FINISH IS GRAND
In May, lead singer Holzfeuer planned on taking full advantage of the 50% off all metabolic enhancer sale at the Pumpitude West health store. Holzfeuer described the day that began with his walking from the band's secret HQ, "I was walking along, humming to myself, flexing my hand grips, minding all my own businesses. All of a suddenly, I turn the corner and see thousands of people standing around stretching, but not moving. I tap this little man on his bald head and say, 'Hey, you. Is this where we wait?' and he tells me I have nice costume. 'What the hell is the matter with you?! What costume?!' When I ask him if this is the line for the sale, he just laughs and nods his bald head."

So, Holzfeuer waited. Suddenly, there came a loud noise. "It sounded like the snapping spines of mountain wolves, you know? The doors, I guess, were opened because everyone started running. With this many peoples, I think the enhancers will sell out fast, so I push my way to the front of the line. It was the longest line I ever been on. You would think Lou Ferrigno was autographing a new book or something."

Nearly 12 hours after beginning his stroll to the Pumpitude West sale, Holzfeuer's journey finally ended. Having pushed his way to the front of what he thought was the line, Holzfeuer went on to place 64th place in the San Francisco Bay to Breakers marathon. Unfortunately, by the time the error was realized, the entire stock of metabolic enhancers was completely sold out. Holzfeuer's response? "I was so pissed up, I waned to punch a camel!"

ARNOCORPS MAILBOX
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:

Dear ArnoCorps,
You say folklore and mythology are the inspiration for your lyrics, but what about the music? I'm guessing you're into Slayer or Iron Maiden. You guys should be on OzzFest! Rock on!
Sincerely,
Rocker Dave

The letter was passed along to Schlagbolzen.

Dear Rocker,
Our music comes from the heart of Austria. We is inspired by the Wiener Schule of music and the folks music of our people. Pacifically, folk bands like Hubert Von Goisern und die Original Alpinkatzen inspire us to rock. As about being in Ozzfest, I think you are making jokes. That is just a story. Even if Ozzfest was a real place, I think I would get scared by the Munchkins and the Wicked Western Witch. So, no way would we to play there.
Yours regardly,
Schlagbolzen

Fanmail is welcomed and encouraged of all fans. If anyone has letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please email us. Your question could be answered next.

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

Photos by Neil Jarvie Follow ArnoCorps on Facebook Follow ArnoCorps on Twitter