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Learned and Shirley

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Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

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2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

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Homecoming King?

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ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

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Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

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Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









06.03.04
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan

LEARNED AND SHIRLEY
As a result of the groping charges filed against him back in June of 2003, bassist Toten Adler was ordered to attend a class on sexual harassment. Taught by self-proclaimed specialist Nora Barberossi, the class is intended to educate those who are oblivious to personal boundaries and social etiquette. "What I often do," explained Miss Barberossi, "is have the men come to the front of the class and do some role-playing. I find it practical to educate through visual examples. I had asked Mr. Adler to help me perform a scene where I played his secretary. He scoffed and said, 'That sucks. We should do the one where you're a lonely housewife and I'm the pizza delivery dude and you don't have any money to pay. You know that one?' Well, I did my best to explain to Mr. Adler that these scenes were supposed to focus on sexual harassment so the class can learn from them. Each time I began the scene, Mr. Adler would call out, 'Woo-hoo! Who ordered a hot link pizza?' and the other men in the class would just laugh and cheer him on."

Wiping a frustrated tear from her eye, Miss Barberossi added, "The class got far too out of hand and, as a result of Mr. Adler's inappropriate behavior, everyone was given an incomplete and will be forced to attend another class. I refuse to have him in my classroom ever again."

When asked his overall opinion of the sexual harassment class, Toten opined, "That was the lamest class I've ever been in. I didn't learn a damn thing. That lady didn't know the first thing about harassing chicks and she's supposed to be the teacher. Well, all I gotta say is that if she's a teacher, then I'm the friggin' chancellor of Patting Ass University! Forget about it!"

TRIBUTE TO ARNOCORPS HEARD IN MAINSTREAM RADIO
Despite ArnoCorps' anti-establishment slant and refusal to be sign any major label recording contracts, the band is pleased with the tribute they've received by longtime fans "Incubus". Their radio-friendly song, "Megalomaniac", has brought national attention to the power of Arno. In schoolyards around the country, kids can be heard singing along with the lines:

Megalomaniac, you're no Jesus/ no ArnoCorps/ Elvis....

Lead singer Holzfeuer commented on this. "We are the meat in a ballsy sandwich! You've got the the man that's in that movie on one side, the kung fu singer on the other and ArnoCorps in the middle. How can you get much better than this? Come on! Its fantastic!"

Adding further, drummer Gellend Adler said, "Childrens hearing the song and singing our name is like, well, its like the wheel of pain. You push the name round and round and pretty soon its pushing it to record houses and on the lips of people with mouths."

"Exactly," uttered Holzfeuer. "People with mouths, that's right."

Asked if this has brought further notoriety to the band, guitarist Vielmehr Klampfe said, "Yes, we've received letters from all over, people who in other ways wouldn't listen to ArnoCorps because their heads are too low knowledge, they are asking us to play in their area. Right now, and this is on the unofficial QT, but I made some calls to these other guys mentioned in that song and see if we can do a special tour together. I still haven't heard from the Jesus or Elvis, but I think they will be calling soon. Think of the kickass t-shirts, there!"

No representatives of Incubus could be reached for comment.

ARNOCORPS MAILBOX
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:

Received 5/12/04

Dear ArnoCorps,
Now that Halstucha is out of the band, I would like to audition to take her place. I've been playing guitar for about 5 years and have been a fan of you guys for about a year. I can send you a demo if you want. Also, I am willing to even be on the casting couch if I have to be. I want to be in ArnoCorps!!

Cheers,
Roxie Toxic

The letter was passed along to Schlagbolzen to aid in his mastering the English language.

Dear Roxie,
Thank you for the interest in joining. But I have to say up front that you are already having points against you. Part of the belief in Arno is physical strength, so we could not have you on stage sitting on a couch. That would be embarrassing to not only you, but also to yourself. If you learns to stand and play guitar, then call us and we will answer the phone.
Sincerely,
Schlagbolzen

Fanmail is welcomed and encouraged of all fans. If anyone has letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please respond to this email address.

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

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