Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps
compiled by M. Calahan
ARNOCORPS TO GET WARPED
It was just announced that ArnoCorps will be appearing at the San Francisco date of the Vans Warped Tour '03. "The day will be a one of rocking with some of the best," exclaimed lead singer Holzfeuer. "This will be my first tour Warping, but I am pumped! The Rancids, the Dropping Murphy, Afi,...Yeah!"
When asked why no mention of this has been made until now, bassist Toten Adler answered, "Because we just bought our tickets, dumbass! Why the hell do you care if we go? You're not invited."
If you plan on attending the SF Warped show, keep your eyes open for ArnoCorps in the audience. "When we get there," added Holzfeuer, "I want to buying the invisible dog on the leash. It gets lonely on the road."
ADLER BROTHERS AVERT HIJACKING
It began as a typical, Berkeley day, overcast with no rain in sight. The smell of the dawning Spring playfully mixed with that of the college kids celebrating 4:20pm and the smell of urine left in the wakes of the city's meandering destitute. Later that day, ArnoCorps would be playing a free concert at the Masonic Lodge to benefit the NMJFF (No More Junkfood For Fatties) program that creates dietary awareness to children.
The plan was to rendezvous at Arno headquarters. So, bus passes in hand, the Adlers, Toten and younger brother Gellend, got aboard the northbound 115A, expecting nothing more than the usual 15-minute ride. A few stops later, an unassuming man got aboard. Witnesses described him as wearing an army jacket and hooded sweatshirt and carrying a gym bag. Instead of paying the fare, the man held up the gym bag and cried, " I have a bomb in this bag! Nobody make a move or I'll let this thing go!"
He ordered the driver to drive directly to the airport. Before the driver could question him, the man yelled, "Just keep your hands on that wheel, old man!"
From the back of the bus came the sound of someone laughing. All heads turned to see Gellend Adler holding his sides as he roared hysterically. Pointing, Gellend called to the hijacker, "You call that a wheel? You know nothing of wheels, until you know the wrath of the Wheel of Pain. Until then, you cannot talk of wheels."
"Shut up, longhair!" returned the hijacker.
Toten stood up in his seat and began hopping with rage. "Don't tell my brother to shut up, you gym bag-carrying pansy!"
Reaching to calm his brother, Gellend said, "Its no big deal."
"Shut up, Gellend!" Toten yelled.
The two brothers, dressed in the dark uniforms of the band, began shoving one another about. Grabbing hold of the straps above his head, Toten wrapped his legs around his brother's chest and began swinging him to and fro. Before his well-rumored motion sickness kicked in, Gellend bit down on his brother's knee. Letting go of the straps, Toten fell onto his brother and the two wrestled in the aisle.
A witness who identified himself only as Big Tasty Johnson, told officials, "These two white dudes started rollin' around on the floor with all that gum on it an' who knows what else. Anyway, when they roll up t'the front o'the bus, the one with the Motley Crue hair stands up an' he's got a drumstick in his hand, not the KFC kind, the drumming kind, ya know? He shoves the drumstick up the hijacker dude's nose and the other one grabs the gym bag. Everybody cheered an' clapped. It was, like, real Kung Fu shit."
Upon inspection, the gym bag was found to contain only the man's unwashed socks. Officials reported that the man had wanted to go to the airport and hijack a plane to take him to Vegas where he wanted to try and stop his ex-girlfriend from marrying his ex-stepfather.
When asked about the surreal event, Toten Adler responded with a shrug. "Whatever. I got some free socks out of it, so that was cool."
"Why do you get the socks?" Gellend shouted.
"No, you shut up... "
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:
I love you guys!! I'm 20 years old and super hot!! Do you any of you want to get married?!
Love and kisses and who knows,
Kristy "Frisky Kristy" Murphy
The letter was passed along to Schlagbolzen, still recuperating from his accident.
Dear Miss Frisky,
Thankyou that you like the band so much. Any of us guys to want to get married? No, we are all men and men cannot marry each other. Sorry.
If you have letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please email us.