Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?
In a phone interview with Dr. Marshall Astor, head of the schizophrenia department at Tranquil Glade Hospital, the question of guitarist Halstucha's mindset was the chief topic of discussion. "Despite her failing to check in during her probationary period, we have kept her under surveillance over the past nineteen months," stated Dr. Astor. "While we had her in our care, we pumped her full of every drug available to us, even several experimental ones, but nothing worked. It was her will against our techniques and we were losing. I released her only because playing in her band seemed the only thing to quell her bouts of rage and paranoia. I considered it a form of occupational therapy, as it were."
For an extended period of time, Halstucha showed a marked improvement. She was friendlier to her bandmates, stopped spitting cigar butts at the audience, didn't immediately yell, 'One more word and I'll show your face the pavement' when approached by fans, even gave a homeless woman a dollar without asking for fifty cents change. In the past few months, however, there has been a noted change. In early February, over 100 patrons observed her storm out of a nightclub after the club owner failed to convince her that the mechanical bull was kosher. Was this a normal reaction of someone mentally stable?
Dr. Astor's attempts to contact Halstucha have been prevented by the other band members. He added, "She's out of control. We know there is little we can do for her, but at least she won't be a danger to herself or others if she is in our care. I've tried to explain the possible dangers her unstable mindset presents to her bandmates, but they think I'm overreacting."
In response, lead singer Holzfeuer said, "Its making me wonder who is really nuts here. To me, this doctor calling Halstucha crazy is like the black pot calling up the kettle, you know?"
"They can only keep her from us for so long," said Dr. Astor, with a bit of foreboding. "We will bring Halstucha back to Tranquil Glade. We will treat her, again."
Asked if he would miss his bandmate if she was taken, bassist Toten Adler replied, "Nah, she's always been off limits, so it'd be cool to get someone in the band that I could feel up an' shit."
Catch Halstucha's final shows with ArnoCorps Thursday March 25th at Red Devil Lounge and Friday April 2nd at The Stork Club. More details: http://www.arnocorps.com/shows/
St. Florian's New Fight
Self-proclaimed seer of the future, lead guitarist Vielmehr Klempf stated, "The patron saint of fire battlers and chimney sweeps will have his recognition. Wait. Wait! He will have his day!" --Vielmehr later apologized for raising his voice at me and blamed it on his having coffee earlier in the day.
What brought all this up? Last week, when he went to visit his father at the People of Terra camp located in Santa Cruz, CA, drummer Gellend Adler had had another lesson about American culture. In celebration of his son's homecoming and their own non-Irish roots, Father Adler took his son out for a night out. "We went to the downtown," explained Gellend, "where everyone weres having a party. Everyone weres there....the guys with the rainbow hats and glazed eyes, the nice car people, the guys that smell like Father's closet, the girls with the no bras and armpit beards. It was fantastic! And but, it got me wondering, what about St. Florian?"
The members of ArnoCorps cannot understand why St. Florian has not been embraced by American culture the way St. Patrick, St. Nicholas or even Saint Bernards have been. Holzfeuer describes St. Florian as, "...a man who peoplefied the power of Arno. In the third century, Florian is to have saved a town from burning by throwing only a single bucket of water onto the fire blaze. That's ballsy!"
"St. Patrick's just a big boozehound," attests Toten Adler. "If people wanna celebrate a dude gettin' drunk, go to an AA meeting or visit the President. Florian kicks ass! If I was gay, I'd totally do him......wait, don't print that."
The solution? ArnoCorps is inviting their fans to join them on May 4 in celebration of their favorite saint. Holzfeuer said, "We've not have it worked out totally, but at some point Toten Adler will begin setting things on fire."
"I'm gonna burn shit," stated Toten.
Vielmehr added, "Everyone will be given a bucket of water to put out the blazes."
"I'm gonna burn a lot of shit," again stated Toten. "Clothes, furniture, sandwiches, jello,..."
Gellend chimed in, "I think we should have egg races or a wacky hat contest."
"Whatever, I'll burn all that shit."
More details will be given as May 4 approaches.
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:
re: Class Action Suit Against Hollywood
Although I was born in the US, my grandparents immigrated from Austria, so I always considered myself Austrian-American. My grandfather passed away last year, but one thing that pissed him off to no end was all these movies that stole from Austrian folklore, stories he heard as a kid. So, on behalf of my grandfather, I had everyone in my family sign their names to your class action suit.
Take 'em down!
The letter was passed along to Schlagbolzen to aid in his mastering the English language.
Thankyou for your supporting! As of the late, we have gotted over 23 signings from all over the globe and Canada. We still need dozens of thousands more, but we are making crosses with our fingers.
I am hoping your grandfather is feels better soon.
Fanmail is welcomed and encouraged of all fans. If anyone has letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please respond to firstname.lastname@example.org