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June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









02.06.05
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan

HOMEWARD BOUND
Big changes struck ArnoCorps as the new year rang itself in with the booming midnight chimes of Vienna's bell tower. As many of you know, ArnoCorps has decided to return to Austria to record what they have been calling "the definitive voice of Arno". However, due to concern over retaliation from government officials who, although have made attempts to reconcile past offenses against the band, are not trusted by lead singer Holzfeuer due to a rather bleak track record, the band has decided it safest to enter the country covertly.

Holzfeuer, whose onetime revoked citizenship had been reinstated last year by the Austrian government, left two weeks ago on an international flight from San Francisco. Joining him were twin brother Schlagbolzen, who has always remained an Austrian citizen, and ex ex-bandmate, Inzo (see story below). "The plane flight was fantastic," commented Holzfeuer via cell phone. "We ate food and all these kinds of things the whole way there there. A vested lady showed us how these silly masks drop from the ceiling and that our chairs could be used to float on. That was bullshit because I searched around the whole of the plane and never found a pool. Then Schlagbolzen found these monograms that showed how to do if the plane crashed in the water. I've been on a plane crashed and this monogram didn't show anything useful, let me tell you. I asked the vested lady what she thought to do if we crashed and the wolves came. She looked at me with a blank stare. I took her ignorance for lack of discipline and told her to watch how I crush the skulls of dogs when they jump. 'There are no wolves over the ocean, sir' she telled me. I looked her right in the eyeball and said, 'Exactly.'"

In Austria, Holzfeuer was reunited with his family. It was an even more emotional homecoming for Schlagbolzen who, lost in the Bohemian Forest as a child, never knew his real parents. The family was wanting to believe that their long lost son had returned, but it was all too fantastic to believe. At the suggestion of Holzfeuer, Schlagbolzen removed his boots to reveal his twelve toes. Then, parents and son were stuck together in a tearful embrace. For the next twelve hours, the entire family was caught up in heartfelt conversations. Then, as Holzfeuer put it, "something in Schlagbolzen changed."

"I watched mein brudder begins to play with toys and I thought none much of it. After a week, I was very many concerned. For years after he disappeared, our mutter kept the hope burning and bought her lost son gifts for all the holidays and nights. Schlagbolzen was being dressed in the clothes of a infant baby, now. When I saw him wearing diapers, I asked him, 'What the hell's the matter with you?!' His only reply was 'Goo goo' and then he made spit bubbles at me."

After an examination, Vienna psychologist J.K. Unterhosen said of Schlagbolzen, "He has regressed emotionally and mentally in an effort to live the childhood he never had. It's all very normal after such a traumatic separation from the family unit. In an effort to experience all of those lost years, he will go through them as quickly as possible. In six months time, Schlagbolzen will have reached his natural age. For now, he is at the level of a two-year old."

Whether or not he will retain his musical ability and passion for Arno, it is unclear. Holding back both anger and fear, Holzfeuer added only, "Crom has done this for a reason and all I can do is become a waiter and see what happens."

INZO, I PRESUME
After his mysterious disappearance back in March of 2003, ex-lead guitarist and enigmatic personality Inzo returned to Arno HQ in Berkeley, California. When asked about why he'd left, where he'd been, Inzo answered only, "Mmmm. Away."

Bassist Toten Adler recalls that day, "A couple months ago, we were all sitting around watching Gellend act out a scene from Ben-Hur using little bunny shadows on the wall when Der Wölf suddenly got up and began sniffing around the front door, he musta smelled danger 'cause he was growling like it was the mailman or something. I got all pissed off 'cause I wanted to see how the chariot race ended, so I threw a rolled-up newspaper at him, 'Sit down, muffin ass!' I said, but he wouldn't leave the door. So I went ahead and opened the front door and said, 'Well, god-dam!' 'cause there stood Inzo. I grabbed him by the collar and dragged his ass into the kitchen to wash the dishes he left behind when he disappeared. 'I'm not cleaning up your shit, you freak,' I told him. Forget about it!"

When asked if he was glad to see his old bandmate safe and healthy, Gellend Adler smiled, "Fantastic! I'd've been just as happy if he was dead or something! And you know what, now everything comes full circle, just like I say, circular like the goddamn Wheel of Pain."

Although he said nothing, the members of ArnoCorps knew something was different about Inzo. For one, he was speaking his 'Mmmm's with ascending pitch, not the usual monotone 'Mmmm's of before. Secondly, in his guitar case he carried the skeletal remains of a barracuda bleached white by the sun. Rifling through Inzo's belongings in search of dirty pictures, Toten Adler found photographs of Inzo, bearded and wearing only the tattered remains of camouflage boxer shorts, standing on what appeared to be a crater-infested terrain, positioned in Tantric stances, carving hieroglyphic-like characters into stones and, finally, wrestling a giant barracuda to the death in a man-made tank. These are the only clues into Inzo's past two years, all ArnoCorps or anyone else can do is speculate.

One thing is for sure. Emerging from whatever experiences he has had, Inzo now only answers to the name of Inzo der Barrakuda, or simply "Barrakuda".

TOUR JOURNALS
As ArnoCorps begins to take back their homeland in the name of Arno, the AAP will report the events as they happen. Each member of the band has promised to keep a journal which we hope will allow their fans a unique perspective. So far, bassist Toten Adler's fourteen entries have all been the same: "Slapped some chick on the ass, today."

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

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