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01.21.04
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan

AUSTRIANS VS. HOLLYWOOD
"The Austrian community," says attorney Paul Marquiwitz, "is deeply saddened and dismayed by the fact that the Hollywood motion picture studios have chosen to exploit the rich cultural heritage of Austria to both expand their global profit and further their lies regarding conceptual originality."

Action-adventure band ArnoCorps is spearheading a class action lawsuit against several major motion picture studios in the US. The lawsuit charges these studios with stealing the lore and mythology of Austria for plot material and dialogue in big-budget, not to mention very profitable, films. The band's motivation stems from the common misperception that ArnoCorps performs music based on these films, rather than ancient lore. This erroneous view has plagued the band since their reformation in California in 2000. Holzfeuer, lead vocalist of ArnoCorps, adds, "These picture studios should admit, for once and all, that they have been stealing. It wasn't until ArnoCorps began to rock about these ancient tales, that the publics began to question, 'Hold a minute. Which came first, the chicken with the egg?' Exactly. That's right."

Hiring Berkeley-based attorney Paul Marquiwitz, whose law degree hangs beside an autographed photo of Judge Wapner, ArnoCorps began the wheels of justice turning. "I listened to their case and thought what a great opportunity it would be to finally get my name in the media... er, to correct an injustice. Proud Austrians and Austrian-Americans will hold said studios accountable for the blatant misrepresentation of their folklore for financial gain."

All of the movies cited in the lawsuit clearly have links to the same heroic-themed folklore that ArnoCorps strives to faithfully represent. In 399BC, Hans "the Terminator" Cotgreave, as Illyrian legend goes, single-handedly protected his land from Celtic invaders by implementing extreme force and heartless brutality (the surviving invaders returned to their country with tales of a man who killed without emotion and, despite the increasing number of wounds he received, seemed unstoppable and impervious to pain.) There exist, at least, three legends that retell of this knight's exploits, the second of which many Austrians claim to be their favorite.

In 1238 BC, two explorers, Frans Feilschen and Dillon Schmutzig, set off to explore the famed Bohemian Forest with only an ax or 'chopper' as their only defense. They were never seen, again. Centuries have attributed their disappearance to the legendary Jager or 'hunter' or 'predator', which was believed by many to be a relic from some extinct species, possibly of alien origin.

In 1410, during a horrific food shortage in the town of Gratzel, when the local baron confiscated every morsel to feed his ball guests, one man protested and a legend arose. For nine days, Erich Huhnerbein, a man who was previously imprisoned for a crime he did not commit, ran through the neighboring villages in an attempt to bring attention to the baron's mistreatment of his fellow kinsmen. "All they want is food," shouted the running man through town square after town square. Eventually, the baron was run out of town and Gratzel feasted on the horded food.

"The evidence is endless," states Marquiwitz. "It just goes on and on. Hollywood cannot ignore this any longer. It will not go away on its own, I assure you."

A response, issued by a lawyer employed by one of the major studios, claimed, "...cannot copyright public domain. Tales whose origins stem from campfire tellings are, I'm sorry to say, considered public domain. Thus, there is no case."

In response to this, but against the better advice of Marquiwitz, bassist Toten Adler wrote a letter back stating, "...the only thing public domain is your ass against the toe of my boot! Or is it the toe of my boot against your ass? Either way, you suck!"

Drummer Gellend Adler asserts, "The wheels of justice are just like the wheel of pain that I pushed for 26 years. Never stopping, we will push and push until justice is served on a giant plate! It will be like a giant apple strudel that all of us will share."

The lawsuit is seeking damages and reparations for all Austrian citizens in the sum of $845 million, a number arrived at by totalling the grosses of several films. As for the members of ArnoCorps, only Schlagbolzen would be eligible to receive compensation (Holzfeuer has long ago turned his back on his homeland, Vielmehr Klampfe technically has not yet been born, while the other members of the band are US citizens, despite the Adler brothers' extensive time spent in Austria and Halstucha's Austrian descent.) When asked to respond to his benefitting from the class action suit, Schlagbolzen replied, "I don't understanding why we are suing them. I don't want to be taking actions against a class room. They is only wanting to be teached and play marbles. Asides, I don't believed jungen would be having that much money, you know? Well, maybe the ones that are solding the drugs like acid cigarettes and bags of cola."

Marquiwitz added, "Once we get enough signatures, I will be filing the papers with the courts and getting this in motion. I'm going to the top on this one and am hoping for the support of the Austrian Consulate. If we win, I'll be able to pay off my student loans from the Daniel Webster on-line law school of Delavin, Indiana."

ArnoCorps wishes to tell its fans that if they, or any of their Austrian relations, qualify for damages that may be awarded in this class action suit, please reply to this e-mail and more information will be sent your way. As Holzfeuer put it, "The pistol has been shot and when this is over, there will be some heads rolling from their wallets!" No one really knows what that means, but everyone at the AAP is behind the band one hundred percent.

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

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