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June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









January 2008
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan

A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing
"The wild still lingered in him and the wolf in him merely slept."
-White Fang by Jack London, Chapter 4

Not even Scott, the trainer at PetSmart who'd been working closely with him, could have predicted that Der Wölf, ArnoCorps bassist #2, would someday grow even wilder. "He was really coming along in his behavior," said Scott. "He didn't growl at the customers, he didn't mark his territory in aisle 7, nothing. Now...well, it's a real shame. I really think I could've gotten him to even stop begging."

Many of the details are still hazy, but one fact is cemented in ArnoCorps lore: Der Wölf has run off and left the band.

It happened during a rehearsal at the ArnoCorps HQ. All seemed normal: Inzo der Barrakuda was grunting at himself in the mirror, Toten Adler was connecting the centerfolds of several adult magazines in hopes of making a life size woman, Gellend Adler was making strudel, Vielmehr Klampfe was reprimanding his two month-old Maidenhair Fern for getting the floor wet and Holzfeuer smoked a stogie. Only one band member noticed that Der Wölf was acting more erratically than usual. "I saw him pacing back and forth by the front door," said Vielmehr Klampfe, "so I asked him, 'Do you have to go outside? Do you have to go potty?' He just growled at me. I was going to smack him on the nose and tell him, 'Bad Der Wölf!', but then practice was about to begin and I knew what that meant,...fresh strudel! Come on!"

"I remember that day like it was a stripper. Rehearsal was normal," stated bassist Toten Adler. "We were all pumped up, the power of ArnoCorps was all around us, the energy was so thick that you could feel it, ya know, like it was a goddamn booby right there."

Holzfeuer added, "The training session didn't go as planned. Each time we played a song, Der Wölf would begin to play his bass like he had eaten the cake of insanity, like he was a baseball bat out of Hell. Der Wölf was usually very discipline during practice. If I would have done something when I first noticed it, maybe I could have stopped what happened next."

Gellend Adler explained the rest. "Let me tell you, I was playing the Wheel of Pain, you know, when Der Wölf started playing along, joining in on my ballsy drum solo too early. I yelled at him, "Go eat your strudel!", but he didn't, he just kept playing. Then, as I closed my eyes to wipe the beautiful Austrian sweat from my perfectly chiseled face, I felt something on my leg. I looked down and there was Der Wölf chewing on my goddamn ankle! I found him humping my leg a few times before, but never biting it!"

It was at this time that the entire band rushed over to pull Der Wölf away from Gellend's leg. "It was like trying to corral an electric eel that had a ninja sword and a laser gun," said Barrakuda of the struggle. "Mmmm."

Der Wölf was too much for the rest of the band, however. Between the snapping and biting, he was able to work his way free. With a howl that Holzfeuer described as, "...a cross between a Beanie Baby and a goddamn werewolf," Der Wölf rushed out the front door, jumped the fence surrounding the yard, paused a moment because he thought he'd heard a squirrel, then took off down the street. That was the last anyone ever saw of Der Wölf.

Left to survive on the instincts of his ancestors and the will of Crom, Der Wölf has become the latest addition in the expansive ArnoCorps mythology of past members. Since he gave no warning, no insight into his motivations, Der Wölf's escape has left the members of ArnoCorps with a lot of questions, but no answers.

Some say it was jealousy of Gellend Adler's incomprehensible talent, while others believe he had been a victim of mating season. Whatever the reason for Der Wölf's escape, the legacy he has left upon ArnoCorps cannot be disputed.

"I blame myself," admitted Vielmehr. "I should have done the right thing and had him neutered. Any responsible wolf keeper knows this." -With a long, drawn out sigh, he added, "Exactly."

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

Photos by Neil Jarvie Follow ArnoCorps on Facebook Follow ArnoCorps on Twitter