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June 2012
Olympians NOT Barred From ArnoCorps UK Tour

May 2009
ArnoCorps Signs With Vulcan Sky Records

January 2008
A Wolf in Der Wölf's Clothing

October 2007
Terminated? Copyright Battle

January 2007
Hollywood Invasion

November 2006
Return to San Frantastic

April 2006
UK Tour

January 2006
Pumping in the New Year

October 2005
Museum Plans Unveiled

July 2005
Scratch and Sniffle

May 2005
2nd Annual World's Deadliest Bands

February 2005
Homeward Bound

June 2004
Learned and Shirley

March 2004
Hasta la vista, Halstucha?

January 2004
Austrians vs. Hollywood

December 2003
2003 Holiday Greetings from ArnoCorps!

November 2003
Homecoming King?

October 2003
ArnoCorps Responds to Recall Results

September 2003
Adler Smeared

August 2003
506 Ring Circus

June 2003
Charges Filed Against Toten Adler... Again

April 2003
ArnoCorps To Get Warped

March 2003
The Casualties Of Rock

February 2003
Homeland Security Investigation

December 2002
Christmas Greetings From ArnoCorps

October 2002
Courtroom Becomes Legal Circus

September 2002
Adler Lawsuit Begins Next Week

February 2001
Burnt Ramen Reduced to Ashes

January 2001
Gilman Crowd Conquered









April 2006
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
Compiled by Mike Calahan

GREATEST LEGAL BATTLE OF ALL TIME
There are a lot of preparations in motion for ArnoCorps' European tour. Venues have to be booked, advertisements need to be placed, shirts and CD's are being produced in bulk. But as Anthony Kallendell adds, "I have more work than I'd ever imagined."      

Anthony Kallendell, Esq., an attorney with the London firm of Smythe and Stonehend, has begun something which most other Western lawyers would consider unprecedented. He explains: "I've been made aware by a woman who shall remain anonymous that this ArnoCorps has in its midst a musician of questionable renown, one Toten Adler, who is a chronic collector of, shall we say, women's virtues. Based on information I have received, I did some research into this Adler fellow and what I came up with was pattern of harassment, insults and utter disrespect for the fairer sex. I, for one, do not plan to let this rock and roller think he has diplomatic immunity to harass."      

For the past two months, Mr. Kallendell has begun taking on dozens of potential clients from all walks of life whom he feels may be possible victims of Toten's harassment. "Of course, there is no guarantee that any of these women will be groped by Mr. Adler, but I am beginning the paperwork on what I hope to be hundreds of harassment suits. If Mr. Adler exposes even just one of these women to his disregard for chivalry, I shall be there to serve him with papers and begin tipping the scales of justice."      

Mr. Kallendell had one message for the ArnoCorps bassist, "Act like a gentleman in my country, Mr. Adler, or I assure you, you will feel the wrath of the English."      

Upon hearing this, Toten Adler replied to the London lawyer via email. 'Dear Tony K, thanks for setting up the English babes. I hear a lot of English babes got screwed up teeth, but, hey, after about ten pints I ain't gonna care if they're headless as long as they got a nice wrath, know what I'm saying? Come on! Toten Adler.'

ORGANIZING THE TROOPS      
Although generally excited about the upcoming tour, some members of ArnoCorps have expressed individual concerns. One big thing is making sure that Der Wölf has all of his shots up to date because, as Holzfeuer says, "Dis band has had a lot of turmoil that's boiled over into chaos, so I would be hating for our tour to hit the brick of a wall because Der Wölf is getting stopped at the airport for having mange. He hates getting the shots on his glutes, so we will slip a knockout pill in his food and take him to the doctor for his updates."      

Guitarist Vielmehr Klampfe has concerns of his own. "As I am not yet born yet, I do not have a passport book with my face on it. I am in the process of buying one from these men in an alley, but I need to be deciding which one I want to be. Either I will be a 64-year old named Biehn Nguyen or a buxom woman named Inga Stolkheim."      

When asked what he might do if he is stopped at customs, Vielmehr replied, "We were getting readied for that. Barrakuda and I were unsure which customs they would might ask us about, so we are buying books about all. For examples, I can answer them about the sacrificial customs of the extinct tribe of Kuthamen and Barrakuda can talk of the mating customs of the Himalayan fuzzy bunnies."      

Hearing his subject of expertise, Barrakuda piped in, "Thirty seconds." –then, looking down with the pouting mouth of a child, added, "Mmm. Jealous."      

Drummer Gellend Adler's only concern about the trip was safety. Not his own or that of his bandmates, but for the safety of those corrupt wheat growers who held him captive for so many years. "I am wanting to return to the encampment where I pushed the wheel of pain for most of all of my life as I think it will help me move on emotionally and stop wetting the cot. But, I swear to Crom, if I see any of those men there, I may go ballsylistic on them. I will not be holding responsible if I muster up all the power of Arno, right, and just smoke their goddamn faces. Get ready, wheat growers! Gellend is coming back! And this time I have people who will fight for me... and also my brother Toten will be there."      

Austrian officials had scoured the mountains where Gellend was reportedly held, but the camp appeared to have been expediently moved and no clues were left. Still, Gellend is positive he can locate the spot he called home for so many years. "The area is still there over there. I can sniff it out like the dog sniffing for a kitten who has flour on its tail because it walked through the goddamn kitchen. Exactly."      

No one here at the AAP is quite sure what that meant, but a warning to those mysterious captors should be assumed.

 
Wheel Of Pain Push-Ups

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