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OLYMPIANS NOT BARRED FROM ARNOCORPS UK TOUR BY WORLD ANTI-DOPING AGENCY/IOC
June 14, 2012

Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
Compiled by Mike Calahan
ArnoCorps & Olympics
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“The decision not to ban this summer’s competing athletes from attending the ArnoCorps  UK/IRE Tour is an auspicious one for everyone,” explains Gareth Thomas, frequent uninvited attendee of sessions by the London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games. “The verdict handed down from the International Olympics Committee is one the world community will gladly respect.”

How ArnoCorps ever became embroiled in a controversy involving the London 2012 Olympic Games can best be summed up by the band’s frontman, Holzfeuer, who said, “Goddam Putin.”

The world began 2012 with a collective ‘Exactly!’ when it was announced that ArnoCorps would return to the UK and Ireland for an exclusive tour. T-shirts were printed by merchants, gallons of Red Heat were mixed by wholesalers and counterfeit tickets were printed by hopeful entrepreneurs. Older residents claimed the excitement in the London air was even thicker than The Great Smog of ’52, albeit far less toxic.

2012 ArnoCorps Tour“We knew that this summer had potential to make UK history,” Peter Webley, retired owner of the defunct World Wide Webley Travel Agency, explained. “Hosting the Olympics and ArnoCorps in the same summer? For Britain’s tourism trade, it was the perfect trifecta, only without a third thing. These two events were to singlehandedly zero out the national deficit. Then, that bastard Putin went ahead and caused a big stink about alleged performance enhancing effects of ArnoCorps and everything started to go to hell.”

When word got to the Russian President that ArnoCorps would be bringing their ballsy action-adventure hardcore rock and roll in direct proximity of UK and Ireland-based Olympians, “An alarm went off,” Gareth Thomas said. “Not literally, of course, but I’m certain President Putin’s complaints were voiced to the IOC. In turn, I volunteered to submit ArnoCorps to a formal investigation by the World Anti-Doping Agency. The frequent claim by the musical group to increase their listeners’ muscle mass was not taken lightly, especially after their recent performance-themed release, 'Two More!'

Speaking on behalf of IOC, Gjertrud Hustvedt, a Norwegian fan of synchronized swimming, presumed, “President Putin could request an investigation into the band based on two obvious concerns. Firstly, some of the names sound very similar to androgenic substances that have been banned. Nagelbett sounds too much like the drug Norboletone, Holzfeuer seems to be an obvious reference to Furazabol and I heard that Putin specifically found it nearly impossible to distinguish Inzo der Barrakuda from Cocainum.”

“The second concern was more straightforward,” Hustvedt said. “Given the evidence of physical growth by those who have seen the band live, you have to determine whether or not the increased muscularity seen in their posing routines actually improves strength and to then classify this performance enhancement as natural or not. So, right after Androstenedione on the WADA list of banned substances on Wikipedia, ArnoCorps was added, as a provisional action.”

Gareth Thomas made a plea to the IOC on behalf of all Olympic athletes via email. “These days, athletes need some way to counter the negative environmental factors to which they are exposed on a regular basis. What better way to restore a natural, hormonal balance than for ArnoCorps to perform for them? Our personal experience has shown that the pump generated during an audio assault is completely natural and unprocessed. Not only have ArnoCorps audio assaults amplified healthy testosterone levels in males, but have, on occasion, miraculously impregnated previously infertile women. This may just very well guarantee every Olympian nothing but gold medals.”

PutinThe verdict, allowing Olympians to attend ArnoCorps Audio Assaults, likely resulted in rousing cheers from athletes of all participating nations. The decision, certain to be seen as a public humiliation to President Putin, no doubt prompted his recent decision to snub the London 2012 Olympics.

At Arno HQ, reactions from the band members have been mixed:
Guitarist Vielmehr Klampfe explained the situation as, “… a typical story of too many chefs with red tape in the kitchen. One of them is putting too many salts into the food and another one says, ‘What the hell is the matter with you? I have blood pressure that goes up like a whale spout’ and pretty soon someone is crying. In this case right now, Putin is crying because ArnoCorps always brings salt. Putin, stop whining!”

“Hey, let me tell you, I have the happy cries in my eyes,” said guitarist, Erich Nagelbett. “See them? Right there under the crusty things from the Sand Man. This morning, instead of Green Berets for breakfast, I thought, ‘Hey, I want to eat a celebration!’ I had a big defiant bowl of ice creams. I used a lollipop for a spoon. It was fantastic! Later, I threw up on my guitar. Take that, Poo-tin. Ha ha!”

“I scoff at all of it,” said bassist Inzo Der Barrakuda. “Ssss-cough! There is no Muay Thai or log carrying in the Olympics, so why should anybody care? I eat skulls.”

Puffing away on his stogie while running the treadmill, bassist Karl Dichtschnur speculated on Putin’s real motivation. “This all comes down to Red Heat! Everyone knows, we mix the Austrian Red Bull with the heat of Russian vodka. Fantastic. Not long ago, Putin’s Putinka Vodka brand offered to sponsor our tour, but I responded politely, ‘Come on, your vodka tastes like a puddle of crotch sweat after doing 10 sets of deep knee bend barbell squats. Exactly.’ Before we know it, we hear Putin tries to ban athletic supporters on our tour. Not ballsy.”

“Revolutions, working class uprisings, labor demands,” drummer Baron Von Trotz said, twirling one of the ends of his recently re-grown noble mustache. “My people, the noble aristocracy, that is, have always seen these merely as inconveniences. This nobody complaining about ArnoCorps to these nothing committees will see that a Von Trotz never rolls over, not even a Von Trotz dog.”

Finally, Holzfeuer had a few words for the Russian President. “ArnoCorps wins the gold medal for ballsiness. That’s right, every goddamn time! If you want to compete for it, you come to London over there in England and we can arm wrestle for it. Right in the middle of the air, no table! What do you say, Putin?! Come on! I’m here! What are you waiting for!? ”

Thanks to the International Olympic Committee’s decision, visitors to the UK and Ireland this summer will be able to witness internationally renowned, heroic and spectacular specimens of physical prowess in person. Also, if looking around the crowd, visitors might also catch sight of Olympic athletes.

ArnoCorps
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Saturday
June 30, 2012

The Haunt
10 Pool Valley Coach Station
Brighton, England

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July 1, 2012

Bogiez
Kingsway
Cardiff, Wales
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Monday
July 2, 2012

The Asylum
38-43 Hampton St
Birmingham, England
0121 2331109

Tuesday
July 3, 2012

Star and Garter
18-20 Fairfield Street
Manchester, England
+44 161 273 6726

Thursday
July 5, 2012

The Pint Bar & Venue
28 Eden Quay
Dublin, Ireland

Friday
July 6, 2012

Roisin Dubh
Dominick St.
Galway, Ireland
+353 91 586540

Saturday
July 7, 2012

Speakeasy
Queen's Students' Union
University Road
Belfast, Northern Ireland
+353 91 586540

Sunday
July 8, 2012

The Classic Grand
18 Jamaica Street
Glasgow, Scotland

Wednesday
July 11, 2012

Trillians
Princess Square, Tyne and Wear
Newcastle, England
01912 321619

Thursday
July 12, 2012

Corporation
2 Milton St
Sheffield, England
+44 114.276.0262

Friday
July 13, 2012

The Racehorse
15 Abington Square
Northampton, England
+44 160.463.1997

Saturday
July 14, 2012

The Bull & Gate
389 Kentish Town Road
London, England
020 7704 0187

 
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